Why Betty Zinkan?

Someone asked me,
"Why Betty Zinkan?
Who is she?"
And the little me
inside of me
cried
because that person
never knew her.

Betty Zinkan has become
a keyword search
to get to this place
in cyberspace:

betty zinkan
bettyzinkanshouse

Someone in Germany
or Ireland
or Russia
or Canada
or the continental US
typed those words
to find her house
that isn't her house
to read these words
that aren't hers.

The little me held on
to Betty Zinkan's
words when she
would read me a story
about Kay and Bobby's troubles
one afternoon in the park
before afternoon nap.
I held on to her
words
while she whispered prayers
at morning mass
and told her friends afterwards
how proud she was
of her granddaughter.
The little me held on
to her
words,
because they helped me know
that Betty Zinkan loved
me
a little more
each time I visited
her house.

Now, I suppose
I'm trying to compensate
for the little me
never talking with my grandma
about grown-up things,
about raising children
and creative writing.
Before she married and committed
her life to her family
she wrote
for the pure passion of it.
She could have been a teacher,
because she was electric,
and intellectual,
and kind. But, I'll never know
what the writing process
was like for her--a creative genius.
I'll never be able
to ask her advice
about the children in my classroom
who need a Betty Zinkan
type of love.

So I do the next best thing.
I live in her house
where she once
inspired the world
(and husband
and five children
and seven grandchildren),
hoping to absorb her
from the light switches
and hardwood floors.
I try to hear her voice.

Every once in awhile,
when I'm journaling,
or praying,
or playing with my
kids,
I'll feel Betty Zinkan
with me,
patting my knee
and telling me,
"It'll be alright, darling."
In those moments,
when all of me
wonders
how I'll survive
motherhood
and teaching,
I know
I owe the world
something similar
without taking credit
for what I've gleaned
through blood
and childhood. 
I devote a space
to Betty Zinkan
online,
maybe thinking
that by simply typing
her name,
I will
(anyone will)
find her.