To My Daughter: Divorce Happens. Except When It Doesn't.

Dear Gracie,

One night not long ago at bedtime, you asked me, “Mommy, why do people get divorced?” I had a feeling that you were inspired to ask based on the many people in your life who have experienced divorce in some way. I also felt a tinge of anxiety in your voice. I think your brain was holding onto a follow-up question: “Will you and Daddy get divorced?” I wanted to answer you honestly and compassionately without inadvertently oversimplifying marriage and divorce. It was pretty hard to craft an answer that fit my aforementioned personal criteria in the weary last minutes of our bedtime routine. I said something to the effect of, “Sometimes people get divorced because they can’t be happy together. They try hard, but they can’t make it work for some reason.”  My explanation satisfied you. I knew I could do better.

I can’t sum up for you quickly why a marriage could end in divorce any more than I can sum up why a marriage could NOT end in divorce. To understand divorce, you’ll have to understand marriage. Understanding marriage fully pretty much requires you to participate in one, and participating in marriage does not make one a marriage expert. Suffice it to say that I am not a marriage expert. The only way I can think of to educate you on why divorce may or may not happen is to speak about my personal experience.  

When you start considering what marriage might be like, I’m betting you’ll start with the dress, which will quickly evolve to flowers, bridesmaids gowns, venues, cake. The wedding day is a pretty spectacular way to celebrate the vows you’ll make to your partner-to-be. On that day, the “I do” is signed, sealed, delivered. Champagne glasses clink. But there’s an asterisk at the end of the church bells and champagne that refers to a tiny, yet significant clause: *The undersigned do understand and agree to saying “I do” hundreds of times per day, in hundreds of different situations that don’t involve flowers and cake and string quartets of happiness. “I do” will be when no one is watching. “I do” will take place in your fat pants. “I do” will smell like a sippy cup of milk that disappeared in the house somewhere last week. It’ll sound like a drawn-out exhale just outside of the laundry room. It’ll taste like leftovers. Feel like crumb hitchhikers on the bottom of bare feet in the kitchen. “I do” is an unending series of choices. Yes, Gracie--marriage is a choice, and so is divorce.

When I was exactly your age, my parents called me into the living room of our two story house. My dad sat on the beige recliner and my mom lay on her side on the couch, shiny wet lines on her cheeks. Dad lifted me onto his lap and explained they were separating. I suppose it was partially my naivete, and partially shock and denial, but I began to cling to the idea of having two of everything like the main character in the book series I was reading. I remembered that chapter two of every book in the series featured the character sharing about her parents’ divorce--notably that she lived in two houses, had two pairs of roller skates, had a cool new stepdad, and a new stepsister who was running a bad ass babysitter’s club. Separation sounded okay to me, but I didn’t understand why my parents were doing this. It was easier for me to focus on twice as many presents at Christmas than it was to know that my parents at one time had promised to be a part of a family with me, and then had determined by their own choosing that they had to break it apart for reasons unknown to me. My parents actually chose to not choose each other. They chose not to choose us. I never saw it coming, and inside my soul, there’s a part of me that won’t fully recover.

My parents’ divorce didn’t stop me from choosing to marry Daddy, though. But to tell the truth, in the beginning of our marriage, I had the same question you’ve asked hiding inside me. Why do some people get divorced? Will it happen to me? I suffered real anxiety about my marriage to Daddy vanishing into thin air one day without warning. When I finally had the courage to confess this to him (multiple times), he wrapped me in a tight hug and told me that he loved me and that he’d never leave. Never. He repeated this to me as often as I needed it, until his words became part of my inner voice. Daddy reminded me that marriage is a choice, and he will always choose me. What’s silly about this is that he told me this in so many words on our wedding day. But I had to hear the “I do” every day for awhile to really allow his commitment to be my truth.

“I do” is our lifestyle. It’s our creed. And it’s not always easy. We choose “I do” by going to the grocery store and scrubbing the toilet. We choose “I do” by washing the dishes when we’d rather be watching TV. We choose “I do” by saying “I love you” every night before bed, even if we’re annoyed with each other. We choose “I do” by fighting fair and owning mistakes.

Except when we don’t. The reality is that every potential “I do” is accompanied by an equal and opposite potential “I don’t.” Sometimes Daddy and I choose the “I don’t.” We choose convenience over consistency, or selfishness over service. We choose egos over humility. Really, it’s the “I don’ts” that test the character of the marriage.

I’ll repeat that I’m not a marriage expert. I feel I am an expert in Daddy and me, though. We’ve made it to ten years of marriage because we pay attention to the “I don’ts.” We don’t pretend that our marriage is free of them. When “I don’ts” start piling up, we choose to repair rather than retreat. We choose to love each other despite the “I don’ts.” We make sure that all of our arrows are pointing to “I do” eventually. We refuse to give in to “I don’t.”

So why do people get divorced? They choose it. For their own reasons, they choose it, and sometimes they are happier for it. Sometimes not. Sometimes choosing to divorce is heavily influenced by a partner who chooses an emphatic “I don’t.”  I feel immensely blessed that I can sit next to you, look at your brown eyes, and tell you sincerely that I chose to marry a man who chooses me day in and day out. It’s a true gift that I can tell you with confidence that Daddy and I will always be together, that I can redesign the story that started in my two story house when I was eight. We can rest in the comfort of knowing that I’ll never have to tell you that our family is splitting apart. Daddy and I have chosen each other, we’ve chosen our family, and we’ve chosen to shape the future together into something of which we can’t quite conceive yet. I pray that when it comes time for you to consider marriage, that you do it prayerfully and take seriously your power to choose. Choose with conviction, and know that Daddy and I will be in support of you.

Love,

Mommy